Wrestling with God

I ran across this poem while studying for my Story of Christian Spirituality class. It is one of Charles Wesley's most famous poems about the story of Jacob wresling with God in Genesis 32. Throughout my life, my struggle has not been so much with some mysterious evil force (Satan, demons, bad things happening) but with God himself. His nature, his ways, his thoughts. To me, I don't see how God could have created this world without knowing it was inevitable that man would fall (I mean afterall, he's supposed to be a pretty smart person right?). So I wonder why God created it in the first place, in the way he did. I wonder why he doesn't seem to intervene as much as I would expect him to (like in matters of sickness...his interventions seem so few, and we attribute healings to him...but when one is not healed we sit back and don't want to bring God into the picture, becuase we might find him wanting). But maybe that is what this life is for those of us who don't find our struggles with the force of evil (we might call this Satan), but with the force of good (we might call this God). And so I understand why Jacob wrestled with God and why Jacob wouldn't let him go without answers. If I were in Jacob's position, I too would wrestle...


Come, O Thou Traveler unknown,
whom still I hold, but cannot see!
My company before is gone,
and I am left alone with thee;
with thee all night I mean to stay
and wrestle till the break of day.

I need not tell thee who I am,
my misery and sin declare;
thyself hast called me by my name,
look on thy hands and read it there.
But who, I ask thee, who art thou?
Tell me thy name, and tell me now.

In vain thou strugglest to get free,
I never will unloose my hold;
art thou the man that died for me?
The secret of thy love unfold;
wrestling, I will not let thee go
till I thy name, thy nature know.

Wilt thou not yet to me reveal
thy new, unutterable name?
Tell me, I still beseech thee, tell,
to know it now resolved I am;
wrestling, I will not let thee go,
till I thy name, thy nature know.

'Tis all in vain to hold thy tongue
or touch the hollow of my tigh;
though every sinew be unstrung,
out of my arms shalt not fly;
wrestling I will not let thee go,
till I thy name, thy nature know.

What though my shrinking flesh complain
and murmur to contend so long?
I rise superior to my pain:
when I am weak then I am strong,
and when my all of strength shall fail
I shallith the God-man prevail.

My strength is gone, my nature dies,
I sink beneath thy weighty hand,
faint to revive, and fall to rise;
I fall, and yet by faith I stand;
I stand and will not let thee go
till I thy name, thy nature know.

Yield to me now - for I am weak
but confident in self-despair!
Speak to my heart, in blessing speak,
be conquered by my instant prayer:
speak, or thou never hence shalt move,
and tell me if thy name is Love.

'Tis Love! 'tis Love! thou diedst for me,
I hear thy whisper in my heart.
The morning break, the shadows flee,
pure Universal Love thou art:
to me, to all, thy mercies move-
thy nature, and thy name is Love.

My prayer hath power with God; the grace
unspeakable I now receive;
through faith I see thee face to face,
I see thee face to face, and live!
In vain I have not wept and strove-
thy nature, and thy name is Love.

I know thee, Saviour, who thou art,
Jesus the feeble sinner's friend;
nor wilt thou with the night depart,
but stay and love me to the end:
thy mercies never shall remove,
thy nature, and thy name is Love.

The Sun of Righteousness on me
hath risen with healing in his wings:
withered my nature's strength; from thee
my soul its life and succor brings;
my help is all laid up above;
thy nature, and thy name is Love.

Contented now upon my thigh
I halt, till life's short journey end;
all helplessness, all weakness I
on thee alone for strength depend;
nor have I power from thee to move:
thy nature, and thy name is Love.

Lame as I am, I take the prey,
hell, earth, and sin with ease overcome;
I leap for joy, pursue my way,
and as a bounding hart fly home,
through all eternity to prove
thy nature, and thy name is Love.

Charles Wesley, 1742

Heaven

I've been listening to this new Nickelback song I found online and I really love it. It goes like this:

From underneath the trees,
we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive

[Chorus:]

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

And I'm singing
Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive(I'm alive)

[Chorus x2]

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
When nobody died...

[Chorus]

We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day when nobody died


I wonder if they are right...that when we could do those things, we'd live forever? But even if not, wouldn't life be so much more worth it? Wouldn't death be a beautiful thing? The departing of someone we cared for deeply, and they cared for everyone else deeply? Wouldn't that truly be Heaven?

Some quotes

So I have these two quotes that I have been thinking about a lot. The first is by Dominic Crossan:

There is no lighthouse keeper.
There is no lighthouse.
There is no dry land.
There is only people living on rafts
made from their own imaginations.
And there is the sea.

Maybe I'm morbid, but I love that prose. Sometimes life just feels that way. That the only reality in front of us is ourselves, others, and the sea that we are drowning in...though we pretend we are not (with our imagined rafts). Sometimes I wonder where is God, where are his supposed interventions, where is the safe land that everyone is looking for? We are promised a better life sometime in the future, sometime when Jesus returns...Someday. But not now. Is it just me, or am I the only one who has a big problem with that. I mean, doesn't it seem fairy talish to think that a world that is as screwed up as ours is will magically be fixed at a single point in the future?

The other quote is from Ephrem the Syrian:

O Zealous One who saw Adam
who became dust and the accursed serpent
eating
him. Reality dwelt
in what had lost its flavor. He made him
salt by which
the cursed serpent would be blinded.

Even though I feel despair and hopelessness a lot, especially when looking at the world's problems (and seeing them face to face). This quote shows me that God does have a shred of deception in him. But deception as in tricking someone, not leading them astray. Satan (If you don't believe in Satan, I want you to think of Satan as the force that divides humans and causes us to enter into a state of self-destruction) took humans from God by causing them to stumble and sin (man became dust). He was utterly destroying humanity, by causing them to kill, hate, hurt, and lie to each other (the accursed serpent eating him). But then reality (Jesus) dwelt in what had lost its flavor (humanity).

Now the last line is a little tricky. When Ephrem says "He (God) made him," who is the him he is referring to? Is it Jesus (reality) or Adam (humanity)? Whether it is Jesus or humans in general, I do think that since Jesus has come things have changed. One of the things that has changed is that the table has been turned on Satan. He thought he could destroy humans by pitting us against ourselves (and he still is), but since Jesus has come, we can have hope that there is something better. Something better here and now. We can defeat the struggle against ourselves...we can defeat Satan. But we can't do it alone...and no I'm not going to say some cliche thing like "we can do it with God!!"We're going to have to all pull together...me, God, you, others, all of us. You see God is not going to simply "poof" and we're all good to go, perfect, ever loving, never angry...like a bunch of robots. And that means (and maybe this is heresy) that God needs our help...yes God NEEDS our help. He needs for us to join him, and to learn from him through the example Jesus set. He is not going to magically fix us or change our hearts...it's a process. It's gonna take time and effort.

At least that is what I am learning in my life. I struggle with a lot of crap still, some of that crap is stuff I have always struggled with. But God slowly, but surely is changing me. I'm glad that I am where I'm at today, than opposed to 3 years ago, or even last year. The changes do not always seem to come as quickly as I would like them and sometimes they aren't that visible. But as I look back over the long haul, I see the changes....good changes.

And I know that the world is changing, and will always change. But I hope that one day, we can look back over the long haul and see changes...good changes. And that those changes will increase, and Satan will realize that every time he tries to eat one of us...he will get salt in his eyes...and pretty soon he will die. At least, those are my rambled thoughts of hope.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

So it has been over half a year since I last posted. But for some reason, I feel like posting again. Just to get some thoughts out. I have changed a lot in the past few months; my political views, religious views, worldviews, et cetera. But one thing has not changed. I am still uncomfortable with Christianity. It isn't just the stereotypes I face as a Christian (and especially a Bible major). It's also that I see all the inadequacies of Christianity. Sometimes I just want to give up on it, but I can't because of its potential (did I spell that right??).

I mean what religion has caused the most good and bad at the same time as Christianity? Some Christians have shown an enormous amount of love, while others have harboured a hate unmatched by others.

For love, we look to Mother Teresa who gave up her life in service to others. We look to . We look to those Christians that have changed our lives and directions (you know those ones where you don't know where the hell you would be without them), because they really cared about you.

But then again, look at the bad examples. Look at the crusades, where Christian mercilessly murdered Muslims and all those in opposition to the "holy conquest." Look at those times in Europe where Christians killed other Christians. (Oddly enough, they were killed for their pacifism among other things.) Look at the ministers and church leaders today, who abuse their positions and betray sacred trusts and relationships. Look at how Christianity has typically been a religion of oppression. I mean after all, it was very biblical to us to promote one race over another, one sexual orientation over another, one political party over another.

Christianity is like that movie, "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly." The good shines through at times, but how many more do we see the bad and the plain ugly?

I think, of course, that the reason I stay in Christianity is because of Christ. And no, I don't mean I stay because I see Jesus as the most perfect guy alive (you know that image of the so called perfect Christian who does not cuss, get angry, gamble, drink, have doubts...and all the rest of the list). I stay because of who Jesus was. He was a guy who gave a darn. He cared about the people around him. He stood up for the oppressed, for the imperfect, for the sick, for the dying. And the people he got into trouble with, was all those religious people.

So I sit here and wonder...if Jesus came today what would he look like. Would he be that Christian we typically picture? You know, the guy/girl who refuses to cuss, who goes to church every time the door is open, doesn't drink, never expresses his anger, never doubts or questions God. That guy/girl everyone looks up to and says "man I wish I were that guy/girl!" But then we realize, of course, we can't be.

Or would he be slightly different (and forgive my "blasphemy")? Would he be that guy we see on campus who goes to parties, drinks? But when his friend is suffering, they take a walk and talk about it, because he believes being a good Christian is about caring for others, not about so called "perfection." Or that girl who has doubts and wonders where God is in all the suffering in the world, because he seems so distant when we hurt (kind of like Jesus yelled as he was dying, "Dad where are you")? Yet, when her friends face problems and struggles, she unselfishly steps in and helps them...even though she's not quite sure she believes in this whole Christianity thing.

You know THAT guy or THAT girl you sit back and quietly think to yourself, "I'm better than him/her." You may not think it in those words, but the thoughts you think reveal you believe you have something more. I mean would Christ really be as we picture him? Would he come to be that super Christian we picture, and fix all the world's problems?

Haha...so yeah I went all over the place in this post...